Boobye NEW YAWK
Hey there blogalicious
i haven't posted a blog post in a while for a couple reasons.
first reason was that after 3 months of building up the courage to share this blog publicly, i got a lot of anxiety coming from peoples grammar edits... :|
but also i felt like i was just trying to create random inauthentic posts to please my <3 audience <3 when in reality that just separated me from the authenticity i'm trying to uphold here.
second reason is that i finally moved out of my new york childhood home for college. i'd been trying to spend as much time just with friends and getting things. i finally finished recording for my new song that im going to release; its called "Go!" shhhhhhh
and i had one of the best last weekends/weeks in the city with my friends. we went to a three day concert event for Junior Varsity/Enzo the Magazine/ Eternal: first show was on a boat, second was at the williamsburg hall of music, third one was at a warehouse, but i didn't go the third night. it was so fun, i was just surrounded by music, and excitement, and friends. i got to make a couple new friends too right before i left which was really sweet, and makes me excited to come back and visit.
for the next couple days, i was just packing and recording and spending time with friends. my last night, yesterday, i got lunch with my best friend of all time and then met-up for dinner with all my friends and we ended up loitering at the restaurant for like 3 hours. the best part about it was that since we were outside, we saw so many of our/my friends who stopped by to say a lil goodbye. after that, me and my favorite person in this whole world went to an arcade and we ended the night playing cards and watching tv in our little group of friends. i was so happy. i was a bit sad too. just like i am now.
i'm so excited for the independence. thats the thing, is i've lived in new york for all of my life. i've lived under my parents roof + rules for longer than i can remember. i'm excited to have the ability to make real life choices, like time management, what i do, where i am, organizing work vs play. i'm also incredibly excited to decorate my dorm... i'm excited to learn, truly. i've had practically no choice in what i was studying for my whole life. i'm excited to be engaged in activities, not to sound corny, but just join groups and make friends not based on cliques in school or cliques in the city.
but, if it were my choice, which unfortunately it isn't, i would totally stay in new york my whole life. i kind of got pressured into leaving the city for college, which is something i never said. for a while i tried to convince myself that this was my dream, or my choice, but it really wasn't. i got into some great schools in new york, that i think i'd be a lot more excited to start, cause of the familiarity and easier access to my hobbies. but some people in my life just kept saying "you'd regret not going to a school with a greater caliber like [college im about to start]". it's partially true, it's definitely an accomplishment to go to a great school, but i personally don't think the "caliber" of a school is the most important thing (?)
either way, i think i'm the type of person who adjusts well. it takes me a little bit of time, but im constantly reassuring myself in my head that i'll be okay. i do that so much, that it actually works. plus, distance makes the heart grow fonder. and i think that cliche will work for me in many senses.
having the ability to separate and better myself from new york will strengthen my relationships platonically and romantic, as well as my relationship with new york. i don't tend to glorify new york being grown up there, but i still want to live and die there.
i'm gonna miss a lot of people. but i don't feel as sad about leaving the people i feel closest too, cause i think our relationships mean more than the amount of time we spend together. i can think of about 5 people that i have that relationship with...
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moving is scary. i feel a bit numb right now. i don't know how im going to react, but im just scared. i'm so scared of change, i wish i could tell the future. i wish i wouldn't have to worry about making friends or avoiding drama, or not getting mixed up with people who separate me from myself.
i'll obviously keep you updated. and maybe tomorrow i'll do something a bit more upbeat like a dorm tour.