No more highschool dreams

 I broke down crying while my Physics class played “Friday” by Rebecca Black. Incredibly niche, i know. I never really considered how much I’m going to miss this school. I can’t tell if I'm going to miss the school or the people. I don't feel too attached to the people here. 

I feel attached to the memories though- the unreconciled emotions and storylines I’ve created with everyone. I’m afraid that since there will be no more environment for me to fix everything i consider broken, nothing will ever fix and ill feel incomplete.

I wanna fix my friendship with my ex, I want to tell my old best friend how much I regret not treating her as my priority. I want to tell my philosophy teacher how much he's made an impact on my life. I don’t have the right words to use. I don't feel like I ever have the right vocabulary to use to explain how i truly feel about things. I am such an advocate of communication yet I always feel insecure about the syntax of the things I want to say. Like I worry too much about how the other person perceives the meaning of my words and it distracts me from the point I'm trying to make. I stumble then it ends up bad. 

I’m not ready to be surrounded by new faces. I’m not ready to create new stories. I don’t care if my unfinished stories are procrastinated, as long as I get to stay here. I’m not afraid of change, I just find more comfort in familiarity. 13 years is a lot of time to become familiar to people. 7 years is enough time to make a school feel like another home. Spending 4 years learning from an older teacher is enough to make them feel like a parent. 

I feel like theres just so much unfinished business for me here. I feel like I could do so much more with the opportunities here. I wish I spent less time trying to either stand out or fit in and spent more time just being myself and treasuring experiences. If i did that, I wouldn’t have to sit here and scavenge reasons to feel this dread to leave. 

Today is the official last day of classes and tomorrow is senior prank day. I remember my sister sobbing, driving me home, after her senior prank day. She cried a lot and i never understood why cause she didn’t have many friends. It was the familiarity.

I can understand it now. It’s now June 10th 2022. Day after my graduation. Im listening to Harvest Moon by Neil Young, my best friend is still asleep. I decided not to spend the night with my school friends. Quite honestly I want to move on from them. I love a lot of them, but im such a nostalgia junkie that it would just make me depressed. 

I feel even more unfinished than I did when I started this blog post. I took steps backwards in terms with my ex boyfriend. But i think its just time for me to move on. I need to learn to give him the autonomy to grow and mature. Simultaneously, Ill learn how to respect myself and comprehend that I deserve communication. I care about him a lot.

*    *    *

I don’t know how to process the end of high school. Quite frankly, I think its just something I need to get over. I cant stew in this feeling. 

I feel excited for my future but also scared of the lack of familiarity.